New Direction>
Thursday, January 06, 2005
More Therapy>
last two weeks...
last week I worked toward cutting back my medication since I figured out it was cutting out the high and low emotions. Since I felt somewhat zombified and noticing it quite a bit, I was given a few tools to work toward making more positives in my life. Joan wanted me to picture my mind and emotions like a bank and that I needed to make an effort to be sure I was doing things that led to more positive emotion deposits than negative withdrawels. It actually worked fairly well and allowed me to cut back to one pill a day or even taking nothing for a few days in a row.
Now I had a little set back this week when talking to Mel and while sorting through it in my therapy session Joan came to a conclusion and a possible way to fix it. She thinks that hockey is an outlet for all the negatives that occur in my week of work and life and generally it's enough to release those negative energies. Unfortunately when I talk to Mel I usually get a dose of guilt emotions dropped on me by listening to her tell me her feelings. I've realized today that she told me awhile back that I should stop placing blame on her for how I feel, but she places blame on Jill for me leaving. Which is fine, if it makes her feel better to have someone else to blame then it's probably better. Now in seeing how she totally attacked Jill for this whole mess and how that effected me since Jill is the one who was there for me no matter what and still is to this day, a piece fell in place that I can't just let the things Mel says slide off me and not take an effect. It's been that way for a long time now that I see I was the one being dumped on about all the things going wrong. If you piece that in with how I listened and tried to fix the things I thought I had control over and how I never felt I could do enopugh and the fact that Mel said she never got a reaction out of me and just wanted me to do something, then I can see that I generally will take her words and think they're true.
the problem focused...
so now things become clearer and I think Joan's right, that the pain I feel from this guilt is more immediate and more intimate since I feel Mel should understand me best, but doesn't. I wish I could somehow transfer my mind to her and let her see how much I hurt everyday and everytime we talk. The anger and frustration of her not understanding and then somehow feeling that I am guilty for leaving and that Mel could possibly be right about Jill... it all hurts me pretty badly and Joan figures that since I need to expel those negative energies quickly is the reason it leads to cutting. It not only focuses my mind on a constant physical pain, it creates a rush that makes me physically and emotionally tired, almost like working out or playing in a hockey game except that the level can be reached in moments instead of hours.
we tried to come up with healthier ways to release this energy, but it seems that I'm leaning toward punishing myself for this guilt that I begin to feel. So having a knife and an object near by to stab and cut doesn't really help... that's what I started to do last time and it didn't work until my wrist and fingers were covered in cuts. I tried lifting weights this morning and increasing the wieght by twenty pounds from what I normally lift... it didn't work and the other possibility is an exercise device that I can take out and quickly work myself until sore and tired and Joan says I can't stop until I feel that same feeling I get from cutting no matter how long it takes.
at least now I'm comforted in the fact that Joan doesn't think I'm trying to really harm myself, but it is a concern because if I get frustrated enough I could unintentionally do something I didn't intend to do and at that point my mind probably won't care too much. My reaction would be to apply pressure and hope it stops, and never think that it might be a good idea to go get it taken care of before it's too late.
last week I worked toward cutting back my medication since I figured out it was cutting out the high and low emotions. Since I felt somewhat zombified and noticing it quite a bit, I was given a few tools to work toward making more positives in my life. Joan wanted me to picture my mind and emotions like a bank and that I needed to make an effort to be sure I was doing things that led to more positive emotion deposits than negative withdrawels. It actually worked fairly well and allowed me to cut back to one pill a day or even taking nothing for a few days in a row.
Now I had a little set back this week when talking to Mel and while sorting through it in my therapy session Joan came to a conclusion and a possible way to fix it. She thinks that hockey is an outlet for all the negatives that occur in my week of work and life and generally it's enough to release those negative energies. Unfortunately when I talk to Mel I usually get a dose of guilt emotions dropped on me by listening to her tell me her feelings. I've realized today that she told me awhile back that I should stop placing blame on her for how I feel, but she places blame on Jill for me leaving. Which is fine, if it makes her feel better to have someone else to blame then it's probably better. Now in seeing how she totally attacked Jill for this whole mess and how that effected me since Jill is the one who was there for me no matter what and still is to this day, a piece fell in place that I can't just let the things Mel says slide off me and not take an effect. It's been that way for a long time now that I see I was the one being dumped on about all the things going wrong. If you piece that in with how I listened and tried to fix the things I thought I had control over and how I never felt I could do enopugh and the fact that Mel said she never got a reaction out of me and just wanted me to do something, then I can see that I generally will take her words and think they're true.
the problem focused...
so now things become clearer and I think Joan's right, that the pain I feel from this guilt is more immediate and more intimate since I feel Mel should understand me best, but doesn't. I wish I could somehow transfer my mind to her and let her see how much I hurt everyday and everytime we talk. The anger and frustration of her not understanding and then somehow feeling that I am guilty for leaving and that Mel could possibly be right about Jill... it all hurts me pretty badly and Joan figures that since I need to expel those negative energies quickly is the reason it leads to cutting. It not only focuses my mind on a constant physical pain, it creates a rush that makes me physically and emotionally tired, almost like working out or playing in a hockey game except that the level can be reached in moments instead of hours.
we tried to come up with healthier ways to release this energy, but it seems that I'm leaning toward punishing myself for this guilt that I begin to feel. So having a knife and an object near by to stab and cut doesn't really help... that's what I started to do last time and it didn't work until my wrist and fingers were covered in cuts. I tried lifting weights this morning and increasing the wieght by twenty pounds from what I normally lift... it didn't work and the other possibility is an exercise device that I can take out and quickly work myself until sore and tired and Joan says I can't stop until I feel that same feeling I get from cutting no matter how long it takes.
at least now I'm comforted in the fact that Joan doesn't think I'm trying to really harm myself, but it is a concern because if I get frustrated enough I could unintentionally do something I didn't intend to do and at that point my mind probably won't care too much. My reaction would be to apply pressure and hope it stops, and never think that it might be a good idea to go get it taken care of before it's too late.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
No Idea>
Zoloft Sucks?
Lately I’ve been noticing that I don’t feel myself. December 24th I felt normal and that continued on through to December 26th. A few things bothered me though, but some things are better than depression until they go on too long and then they start to depress you too. A good example is the lack of sexual feelings, they’re still there except that climaxing is impossible to achieve. So a drawback that was never a problem becomes severe when you begin to notice that everything else is fine. Why I should care in the first place is a good question to ask, but I think it’s because it’s nice to know that you can enjoy yourself when you want to.
On the 26th I got the shakes and my mom looked up side effects to Zoloft and came up with the possibility that it could be that I’m overdosed on the medication. Called the doctor on the 27th which I wasn’t able to get a hold of her until the following day when I had my new cell phone… she says that my symptoms are anxiety, the other symptom I have is when I exercise my heart pounds so hard it becomes tough to concentrate on anything else and it is also hard to catch my breath as well… but it’s just anxiety.
On the 28th and 29th I felt fairly normal and happy and strange enough I had stopped taking my medication on the 27th and 28th just to see what would happen.
I think it’s the medication messing with my mind. Sometimes I feel like I have little ticks though when I concentrate to see if I’m doing them then I can’t seem to catch myself. The other thing that’s been annoying is I seem to be clumsy and sometimes I find I drift while walking and occasionally brush against a wall or piece of furniture and have even run into things.
I helped Jill move on Friday and Saturday and in the process of moving a piece of furniture down some stairs I began sweating so bad that my skin had a layer of moisture on it and I felt cold though kept sweating like it was over a hundred degrees out. I don’t get it at all and I bet I’d be told it’s just anxiety.
The new year Saturday or Sunday I broke out in like a rash of acne on my chest. Red bumps and some that had white heads on them. I can recall having something similar to this when I used to play hockey in the summer outdoors and the jersey would irritate the skin when I was sweating. But that’s been years since that’s happened.
Today was the worst so far… I had itching all over on the upper part of my body. Mostly shoulders, arms and hands. My right hand itched so bad on the top that at one point I began digging my nails in to it and scratching hard to make it stop. Then continued working until it began itching again so I grabbed a pair of scissors and scraped the blade along the hand like spreading butter on toast. When this didn’t work I used the end of the scissors to scratch my hand, which left little cuts or tares in the skin. Frustrated from trying to do a drawing that took a lot of concentration and my hand which wouldn’t stop interrupting, I found a hobby knife and first soaked in a cup of extremely hot water before using it to try and solve the itching. What I found was a little disturbing though, I began making small cuts on the itchy surface and it didn’t seem to matter much, it continued itching… so just to see if it would help I pressed the full length of the blade to the hand and made some deep grooves figuring that if it really did cut that it would be an improvement. Still the itching continued so I grabbed the cup of hot water and slowly poured it onto my hand. I mentioned clumsiness earlier… well the water hit the rim and then all of a sudden I had hot water everywhere and a nice burn on the back of my hand, but the itching went away so now I know that burning works… that makes me feel so much better that I can just go to the gas station and pick up a lighter next time I have a an itchy flare up.
I still find it hard to describe my feelings lately and I thought it might be due to skipping a few days of medication and it still could be I don’t know. Unless I just stop completely I don’t know if I’d notice a difference. I will say that skipping days has got sexual feelings back and climaxing now is way too easy I found out in surprise a few times. The first time I just figured was because it had been 46 days since having sex. The second time confirmed that maybe something was actually wrong by taking the medication. I can get aroused just can’t finish and it gets a little boring when you reach 45 minutes and think, wow, I had times when it was like five to ten minutes and I wasn’t even trying.
Dreams… I don’t remember them too well though I’ve been thinking a bit more about the past on occasion and I think the dreams focus on that too a little bit. Anger is the best way to describe the dreams I think. There was something that happened on the morning of Friday the 31st when I recalled dreaming about something of my past and then thinking back upset me (need to ask Jill what it was that I said because I don’t remember too well).
I’m working toward scheduling to do more things and I was doing pretty good until I looked at the calendar today and thought it was a little overwhelming. I couldn’t even focus on trying to schedule when my brother should meet us in San Francisco, so we left it at him coming out over the weekend and then we’d work out meeting. Hopefully as schedules settle in I’ll be able to give Gregg more information and make it easier for both of us.
There seems to be a fine line between normal and very normal and then just plane messed up. I honestly think the medication is most of my problem, but can I stop and be ok or do I have to continue taking it and keep thinking that it’s great being a zombie and having no sadness, but also no extreme happiness either. I’m out of the fucking hell I was in and I have someone who’s awesome to me and I really like having her on my mind. At times I feel like I can do anything and at other times I feel my mind turns off and says fuck you I’m done. I don’t see any reason to be sad except for the shit the medication seems to be putting me through and it angers me. Anger is an emotion I don’t have usually… not outwardly anyway, I’ll joke around about kicking someone’s ass, but this is different. I totally want to fuck something up and it’s not focused on myself this time. It’s a good thing I still look forward to hockey and trying to play well… otherwise I might be looking for a possible fight.
I’m off to bed now, its past midnight and I can see my sleep pattern slowly dwindling to about 6 hours a night and I took an hour nap last night. My hand burns, but it isn’t too bad… I’ve had worse. Right now my eyes hurt and burn a little and I have a slight headache and a sore throat. When I close my eyes I feel like the room is slowly moving. We’ll see how I feel in the morning, I have another fun drawing to do which shouldn’t be hard since I’ve done one just like it… but instead of looking for the one I did I just sit there thinking that I “should” look for it, but it’s too much effort. I know, Joan would probably give me a look and a few words for using the term “should.” But that is how today was, I just didn’t want to put the effort forward to finish things like I noramally would.
One more thing … the office was full today. There were a few people out, but for the most part the sales engineering area was all there and I noticed that my tolerance level for putting up with talking around me and people constantly walking past my desk was wearing on my patience.
Maybe I should try to one day pretend to be Fiora and how she would deal with things… I’m afraid that the comments might upset people, but maybe she could be my temporary split personality or something. I know that when I was having bad times at home I would slip into Fiora and wonder what she would be thinking or doing in my situation… hell, when I used to work out with the trainer I would pretend to be Fiora just because I knew she would drop down unconscious before she gave up.
Anyway… got to go, my left eye seems to be going out of focus because my vision just got blurry in that eye. I don’t feel right and I just don’t know what I should do about it and right now the room spins bad when I close my eyes, which I’m fighting to keep open.
I'm losing my mind...
this morning I found out I was going to call Jill before going to sleep... I guess I got so into typing and then getting so tired that I barely remember putting the computer down. I wish I had a desk or something so that there's at least a transition from working on the computer to going to bed. My bed is the only place I can sit and type which probably didn't help much last night.
I had some very strange dreams last night as well... it was hard to grasp location and who was in the dream, but the dreams centered around knives and blood. I don't react too well to seeing blood, though when it's my own I tend to be ok with it. So in the dreams I didn't panic or get sick when I saw it, I got more of a disturbed relaxed feeling. That feeling was preceeded by anger and frustration and I'm now wondering if the dreams had to do with my typing before going to sleep... if so then I can't seem to win lately which is pretty funny when you thnk about it. I am very frustrated with my mind and how it has been working these past few days. Is it because of skipping three days of medication and cutting back on my dosage as well. I have this feeling the answer is no, because before I cut back I was getting frustrated with my feelings as well and the few days that followed the descreased dosage were pretty good and normal feeling days.
I'm sick of "feelings" since it's how everything started in the first place. To top that off I'm writing this at work and just letting the words flow because I really don't know what else to do. I'll see Joan tomorrow and I hope she can shed some light on all this. The funny part is that a few days ago I was thinking, "wow, I'm not going to have anything to talk about in my next session, life is pretty good." What a relief that didn't happen huh? At least I still have my sarcastic sense of humor, I've noticed that I've been using it more in the past few days because of my mood. What would Fiora be doing??? hmmm...
As Fiora: thinking too much is what I would consider my own personal hell... well between that and having to hang around with Fred, the priest of Fharlangh, they're pretty much tied in respect to how hell should be. I've actually been to hell a few times and it really isn't quite so bad unless you're one of the... damn, what did Erik call 'em... practitioners... partitioners, that was it, the unlucky inhabitants, the ones who did something in life that caused them to become the property of one of lords of hell and that lord got to use the partitioners in any way he wanted. I even found out that some of those souls transferred to hell weren't even supposed o be there, just one unlucky person in the wrong place at the wrong time. You get the picture.... Sidetracked from thoughts and how I'd deal with them... taking Erik to the estates at the ancient temple of light always made me feel better. Writing is a good one and so is finding someone to deal retribution out to. Looks like no great ideas are presenting themselves at the moment. Thoughts are one thing you cannot just raise a sword to and deal with in a face to face fight, so the disadvantages are limitless.
Lately I’ve been noticing that I don’t feel myself. December 24th I felt normal and that continued on through to December 26th. A few things bothered me though, but some things are better than depression until they go on too long and then they start to depress you too. A good example is the lack of sexual feelings, they’re still there except that climaxing is impossible to achieve. So a drawback that was never a problem becomes severe when you begin to notice that everything else is fine. Why I should care in the first place is a good question to ask, but I think it’s because it’s nice to know that you can enjoy yourself when you want to.
On the 26th I got the shakes and my mom looked up side effects to Zoloft and came up with the possibility that it could be that I’m overdosed on the medication. Called the doctor on the 27th which I wasn’t able to get a hold of her until the following day when I had my new cell phone… she says that my symptoms are anxiety, the other symptom I have is when I exercise my heart pounds so hard it becomes tough to concentrate on anything else and it is also hard to catch my breath as well… but it’s just anxiety.
On the 28th and 29th I felt fairly normal and happy and strange enough I had stopped taking my medication on the 27th and 28th just to see what would happen.
I think it’s the medication messing with my mind. Sometimes I feel like I have little ticks though when I concentrate to see if I’m doing them then I can’t seem to catch myself. The other thing that’s been annoying is I seem to be clumsy and sometimes I find I drift while walking and occasionally brush against a wall or piece of furniture and have even run into things.
I helped Jill move on Friday and Saturday and in the process of moving a piece of furniture down some stairs I began sweating so bad that my skin had a layer of moisture on it and I felt cold though kept sweating like it was over a hundred degrees out. I don’t get it at all and I bet I’d be told it’s just anxiety.
The new year Saturday or Sunday I broke out in like a rash of acne on my chest. Red bumps and some that had white heads on them. I can recall having something similar to this when I used to play hockey in the summer outdoors and the jersey would irritate the skin when I was sweating. But that’s been years since that’s happened.
Today was the worst so far… I had itching all over on the upper part of my body. Mostly shoulders, arms and hands. My right hand itched so bad on the top that at one point I began digging my nails in to it and scratching hard to make it stop. Then continued working until it began itching again so I grabbed a pair of scissors and scraped the blade along the hand like spreading butter on toast. When this didn’t work I used the end of the scissors to scratch my hand, which left little cuts or tares in the skin. Frustrated from trying to do a drawing that took a lot of concentration and my hand which wouldn’t stop interrupting, I found a hobby knife and first soaked in a cup of extremely hot water before using it to try and solve the itching. What I found was a little disturbing though, I began making small cuts on the itchy surface and it didn’t seem to matter much, it continued itching… so just to see if it would help I pressed the full length of the blade to the hand and made some deep grooves figuring that if it really did cut that it would be an improvement. Still the itching continued so I grabbed the cup of hot water and slowly poured it onto my hand. I mentioned clumsiness earlier… well the water hit the rim and then all of a sudden I had hot water everywhere and a nice burn on the back of my hand, but the itching went away so now I know that burning works… that makes me feel so much better that I can just go to the gas station and pick up a lighter next time I have a an itchy flare up.
I still find it hard to describe my feelings lately and I thought it might be due to skipping a few days of medication and it still could be I don’t know. Unless I just stop completely I don’t know if I’d notice a difference. I will say that skipping days has got sexual feelings back and climaxing now is way too easy I found out in surprise a few times. The first time I just figured was because it had been 46 days since having sex. The second time confirmed that maybe something was actually wrong by taking the medication. I can get aroused just can’t finish and it gets a little boring when you reach 45 minutes and think, wow, I had times when it was like five to ten minutes and I wasn’t even trying.
Dreams… I don’t remember them too well though I’ve been thinking a bit more about the past on occasion and I think the dreams focus on that too a little bit. Anger is the best way to describe the dreams I think. There was something that happened on the morning of Friday the 31st when I recalled dreaming about something of my past and then thinking back upset me (need to ask Jill what it was that I said because I don’t remember too well).
I’m working toward scheduling to do more things and I was doing pretty good until I looked at the calendar today and thought it was a little overwhelming. I couldn’t even focus on trying to schedule when my brother should meet us in San Francisco, so we left it at him coming out over the weekend and then we’d work out meeting. Hopefully as schedules settle in I’ll be able to give Gregg more information and make it easier for both of us.
There seems to be a fine line between normal and very normal and then just plane messed up. I honestly think the medication is most of my problem, but can I stop and be ok or do I have to continue taking it and keep thinking that it’s great being a zombie and having no sadness, but also no extreme happiness either. I’m out of the fucking hell I was in and I have someone who’s awesome to me and I really like having her on my mind. At times I feel like I can do anything and at other times I feel my mind turns off and says fuck you I’m done. I don’t see any reason to be sad except for the shit the medication seems to be putting me through and it angers me. Anger is an emotion I don’t have usually… not outwardly anyway, I’ll joke around about kicking someone’s ass, but this is different. I totally want to fuck something up and it’s not focused on myself this time. It’s a good thing I still look forward to hockey and trying to play well… otherwise I might be looking for a possible fight.
I’m off to bed now, its past midnight and I can see my sleep pattern slowly dwindling to about 6 hours a night and I took an hour nap last night. My hand burns, but it isn’t too bad… I’ve had worse. Right now my eyes hurt and burn a little and I have a slight headache and a sore throat. When I close my eyes I feel like the room is slowly moving. We’ll see how I feel in the morning, I have another fun drawing to do which shouldn’t be hard since I’ve done one just like it… but instead of looking for the one I did I just sit there thinking that I “should” look for it, but it’s too much effort. I know, Joan would probably give me a look and a few words for using the term “should.” But that is how today was, I just didn’t want to put the effort forward to finish things like I noramally would.
One more thing … the office was full today. There were a few people out, but for the most part the sales engineering area was all there and I noticed that my tolerance level for putting up with talking around me and people constantly walking past my desk was wearing on my patience.
Maybe I should try to one day pretend to be Fiora and how she would deal with things… I’m afraid that the comments might upset people, but maybe she could be my temporary split personality or something. I know that when I was having bad times at home I would slip into Fiora and wonder what she would be thinking or doing in my situation… hell, when I used to work out with the trainer I would pretend to be Fiora just because I knew she would drop down unconscious before she gave up.
Anyway… got to go, my left eye seems to be going out of focus because my vision just got blurry in that eye. I don’t feel right and I just don’t know what I should do about it and right now the room spins bad when I close my eyes, which I’m fighting to keep open.
I'm losing my mind...
this morning I found out I was going to call Jill before going to sleep... I guess I got so into typing and then getting so tired that I barely remember putting the computer down. I wish I had a desk or something so that there's at least a transition from working on the computer to going to bed. My bed is the only place I can sit and type which probably didn't help much last night.
I had some very strange dreams last night as well... it was hard to grasp location and who was in the dream, but the dreams centered around knives and blood. I don't react too well to seeing blood, though when it's my own I tend to be ok with it. So in the dreams I didn't panic or get sick when I saw it, I got more of a disturbed relaxed feeling. That feeling was preceeded by anger and frustration and I'm now wondering if the dreams had to do with my typing before going to sleep... if so then I can't seem to win lately which is pretty funny when you thnk about it. I am very frustrated with my mind and how it has been working these past few days. Is it because of skipping three days of medication and cutting back on my dosage as well. I have this feeling the answer is no, because before I cut back I was getting frustrated with my feelings as well and the few days that followed the descreased dosage were pretty good and normal feeling days.
I'm sick of "feelings" since it's how everything started in the first place. To top that off I'm writing this at work and just letting the words flow because I really don't know what else to do. I'll see Joan tomorrow and I hope she can shed some light on all this. The funny part is that a few days ago I was thinking, "wow, I'm not going to have anything to talk about in my next session, life is pretty good." What a relief that didn't happen huh? At least I still have my sarcastic sense of humor, I've noticed that I've been using it more in the past few days because of my mood. What would Fiora be doing??? hmmm...
As Fiora: thinking too much is what I would consider my own personal hell... well between that and having to hang around with Fred, the priest of Fharlangh, they're pretty much tied in respect to how hell should be. I've actually been to hell a few times and it really isn't quite so bad unless you're one of the... damn, what did Erik call 'em... practitioners... partitioners, that was it, the unlucky inhabitants, the ones who did something in life that caused them to become the property of one of lords of hell and that lord got to use the partitioners in any way he wanted. I even found out that some of those souls transferred to hell weren't even supposed o be there, just one unlucky person in the wrong place at the wrong time. You get the picture.... Sidetracked from thoughts and how I'd deal with them... taking Erik to the estates at the ancient temple of light always made me feel better. Writing is a good one and so is finding someone to deal retribution out to. Looks like no great ideas are presenting themselves at the moment. Thoughts are one thing you cannot just raise a sword to and deal with in a face to face fight, so the disadvantages are limitless.
archives>
