New Direction>
Thursday, January 06, 2005
More Therapy>
last two weeks...
last week I worked toward cutting back my medication since I figured out it was cutting out the high and low emotions. Since I felt somewhat zombified and noticing it quite a bit, I was given a few tools to work toward making more positives in my life. Joan wanted me to picture my mind and emotions like a bank and that I needed to make an effort to be sure I was doing things that led to more positive emotion deposits than negative withdrawels. It actually worked fairly well and allowed me to cut back to one pill a day or even taking nothing for a few days in a row.
Now I had a little set back this week when talking to Mel and while sorting through it in my therapy session Joan came to a conclusion and a possible way to fix it. She thinks that hockey is an outlet for all the negatives that occur in my week of work and life and generally it's enough to release those negative energies. Unfortunately when I talk to Mel I usually get a dose of guilt emotions dropped on me by listening to her tell me her feelings. I've realized today that she told me awhile back that I should stop placing blame on her for how I feel, but she places blame on Jill for me leaving. Which is fine, if it makes her feel better to have someone else to blame then it's probably better. Now in seeing how she totally attacked Jill for this whole mess and how that effected me since Jill is the one who was there for me no matter what and still is to this day, a piece fell in place that I can't just let the things Mel says slide off me and not take an effect. It's been that way for a long time now that I see I was the one being dumped on about all the things going wrong. If you piece that in with how I listened and tried to fix the things I thought I had control over and how I never felt I could do enopugh and the fact that Mel said she never got a reaction out of me and just wanted me to do something, then I can see that I generally will take her words and think they're true.
the problem focused...
so now things become clearer and I think Joan's right, that the pain I feel from this guilt is more immediate and more intimate since I feel Mel should understand me best, but doesn't. I wish I could somehow transfer my mind to her and let her see how much I hurt everyday and everytime we talk. The anger and frustration of her not understanding and then somehow feeling that I am guilty for leaving and that Mel could possibly be right about Jill... it all hurts me pretty badly and Joan figures that since I need to expel those negative energies quickly is the reason it leads to cutting. It not only focuses my mind on a constant physical pain, it creates a rush that makes me physically and emotionally tired, almost like working out or playing in a hockey game except that the level can be reached in moments instead of hours.
we tried to come up with healthier ways to release this energy, but it seems that I'm leaning toward punishing myself for this guilt that I begin to feel. So having a knife and an object near by to stab and cut doesn't really help... that's what I started to do last time and it didn't work until my wrist and fingers were covered in cuts. I tried lifting weights this morning and increasing the wieght by twenty pounds from what I normally lift... it didn't work and the other possibility is an exercise device that I can take out and quickly work myself until sore and tired and Joan says I can't stop until I feel that same feeling I get from cutting no matter how long it takes.
at least now I'm comforted in the fact that Joan doesn't think I'm trying to really harm myself, but it is a concern because if I get frustrated enough I could unintentionally do something I didn't intend to do and at that point my mind probably won't care too much. My reaction would be to apply pressure and hope it stops, and never think that it might be a good idea to go get it taken care of before it's too late.
last week I worked toward cutting back my medication since I figured out it was cutting out the high and low emotions. Since I felt somewhat zombified and noticing it quite a bit, I was given a few tools to work toward making more positives in my life. Joan wanted me to picture my mind and emotions like a bank and that I needed to make an effort to be sure I was doing things that led to more positive emotion deposits than negative withdrawels. It actually worked fairly well and allowed me to cut back to one pill a day or even taking nothing for a few days in a row.
Now I had a little set back this week when talking to Mel and while sorting through it in my therapy session Joan came to a conclusion and a possible way to fix it. She thinks that hockey is an outlet for all the negatives that occur in my week of work and life and generally it's enough to release those negative energies. Unfortunately when I talk to Mel I usually get a dose of guilt emotions dropped on me by listening to her tell me her feelings. I've realized today that she told me awhile back that I should stop placing blame on her for how I feel, but she places blame on Jill for me leaving. Which is fine, if it makes her feel better to have someone else to blame then it's probably better. Now in seeing how she totally attacked Jill for this whole mess and how that effected me since Jill is the one who was there for me no matter what and still is to this day, a piece fell in place that I can't just let the things Mel says slide off me and not take an effect. It's been that way for a long time now that I see I was the one being dumped on about all the things going wrong. If you piece that in with how I listened and tried to fix the things I thought I had control over and how I never felt I could do enopugh and the fact that Mel said she never got a reaction out of me and just wanted me to do something, then I can see that I generally will take her words and think they're true.
the problem focused...
so now things become clearer and I think Joan's right, that the pain I feel from this guilt is more immediate and more intimate since I feel Mel should understand me best, but doesn't. I wish I could somehow transfer my mind to her and let her see how much I hurt everyday and everytime we talk. The anger and frustration of her not understanding and then somehow feeling that I am guilty for leaving and that Mel could possibly be right about Jill... it all hurts me pretty badly and Joan figures that since I need to expel those negative energies quickly is the reason it leads to cutting. It not only focuses my mind on a constant physical pain, it creates a rush that makes me physically and emotionally tired, almost like working out or playing in a hockey game except that the level can be reached in moments instead of hours.
we tried to come up with healthier ways to release this energy, but it seems that I'm leaning toward punishing myself for this guilt that I begin to feel. So having a knife and an object near by to stab and cut doesn't really help... that's what I started to do last time and it didn't work until my wrist and fingers were covered in cuts. I tried lifting weights this morning and increasing the wieght by twenty pounds from what I normally lift... it didn't work and the other possibility is an exercise device that I can take out and quickly work myself until sore and tired and Joan says I can't stop until I feel that same feeling I get from cutting no matter how long it takes.
at least now I'm comforted in the fact that Joan doesn't think I'm trying to really harm myself, but it is a concern because if I get frustrated enough I could unintentionally do something I didn't intend to do and at that point my mind probably won't care too much. My reaction would be to apply pressure and hope it stops, and never think that it might be a good idea to go get it taken care of before it's too late.
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